About a month ago I realized as I continue to make my footprint in this digital world, people will probably want to see who I am. And yes I have plenty of fun pictures, but I thought maybe a few professional ones would come in handy too. Before I realized it I was messaging a photographer friend to set up an appointment. However, as soon as it was set I started to panic. I have never liked pictures of myself or being the center of attention and here I am asking someone to do both for me. I was constantly saying “what if I don’t look good?”, I was really freaking out. So to calm myself down I decided that instead of going at this from a vanity standpoint of my physical appearance, I would use it as a growing opportunity to learn more about myself and why this scared me so much.
Like I said I have never really like pictures of myself. It seems I always picked out every flaw, even the small ones. I once told someone I didn’t like a picture of myself because my hands looked "veiny". There is always a blemish or a crooked smile that I just couldn’t see past. But why?
When I really sat down and thought about it I realized it was because when I looked at these pictures I was hoping to find someone else. I thought a picture would show me a confident, strong, happy person and then I could believe it. I thought that if that picture made waist look smaller and my legs more toned, than I could forever see myself that way. Funny thing is, pictures don’t lie. They capture us as we are. They were capturing me as a scared girl who didn’t love herself. Although I knew deep down that’s the life I was living, I just wasn’t ready to see it, and that's why I never liked pictures.
However, in following my new life motto, “don’t let fear stop you”, I decided it was time to move past this stage of my life. I kept my appointment and after a few hours of shooting a just a little bit of editing I walked away with a group of pictures that I actually like. I’m sure it helped that my friend Rob, of Robert Roscigno Photography is amazing at what he does. He helped me relax and feel a more comfortable in front of the camera. But the real reason I liked these pictures is because I know who I am now.
PC: Robert Roscigno Photography
When I look at them I am not searching for a version of myself I want to be, I see me. I see my flaws and quirks, but instead of wishing they weren't there I embrace them as what makes me unique. And even when I look back at older pictures of myself, I look at them with a kinder eye. I love that scared girl with muscular legs, she survived so much and brought me to where I am today. Without her I would not be me.