It's My Birthday, and I'm Making a Big Deal!
As today is my birthday, I'd like to take a minute and reflect on my 29 years of birthdays, or at least the ones I can remember. And honestly, for the most part I never really liked my birthday. I always felt let down or disapointed in some way. Especially after the age of say, 14, when you start caring more about what your friends do for your birthday than your parents. I was always so envious of those people whose friends threw them big parties, or took them places. Why didn't anyone do that for me?
Now don't get me wrong, I have an amazing group of friends that I could count on for bail money in the middle of the night, no questions asked. But I always just felt no one ever made a big deal out of me. So a few years ago I decided to stop trying. Instead of keeping a beacon of hope that someone would surprise me, I just convinced myself I didn't want it. I really locked myself into a prison of solitude and self loathing without even knowing it.
However, this year I realized that no one ever made a big deal out of me because, because I never made a big deal out of me. Who the hell is going to celebrate someone that doesn't really believe they are worth celebrating themselves? I was so desperate for someone to care so much, because I was looking for someone to fill that empty feeling I always had. But since I never put myself out there, no one else put themselves out there for me. If you have been reading along with my previous posts, I'm sure you have realized this is a common theme. I never really truly learned to love myself and that stopped me from doing a lot of things in my life. But not anymore, I love who I am. And for me, that's a big deal. So I'm going to make a fuss about it, and I am going to celebrate me. Because I am a big deal.
I may be turning 29 today, but this is my first REAL birthday celebration. And not because of anything anyone else is doing, but because I can finally give myself a true present, the best present of all, LOVE.