Here I Am
One of my biggest fears is vulnerability. I don't try new things or show people my hobbies because what if I'm not good. Or what if they don't like it. A childhood of being overweight, a few bad relationships and an underlying constitution of fear made me crumble at just the idea of showing my true self. So my new years resolution this year, along with my spiritual transformation, was to be fearless and try new things. I wanted to get over the heart shattering fear of being me in front of other people. I wanted to not break into a cold sweat every time I showed someone one of my projects, or shared an idea. Or what if someone didn't think I was pretty enough or they didn't like my clothes. For the most part I have done well, I have started speaking my mind, and trying new things like rock climbing and blogging. I definitely feel stronger.
However, yesterday my yoga instructor was talking about the summer solstice and how it is the time to revisit new years resolutions. To take advantage of the gift of all the sunlight and make the change you want to see, or take that last step you still haven't been brave enough to take yet. Let the light guide you.
So today I am going to let that light guide me where I am afraid to go in the dark. A little over a year ago I started playing the autoharp. Its a folk instrument that I kind of stumbled upon and now I am in love with it. I took lessons once a month with my wonderful teacher Stefanie Eskander, up until recently when she moved away to be closer to family. I would sweat and shake before every lesson, which is ridiculous because she is the nicest woman in the world and always gave me the most encouragement. But I was unsure of what I was doing, I was vulnerable, and it reopened old wounds that I never let heal.
I am thankful for those lessons with Stefanie. They reminded me that being vulnerable is good. It allows you to learn new things, and reconnect with yourself. So here I am, no make up, no filters, no smoke and mirrors. I'm not saying I am not scared anymore, but I am ready to face my fears and start loving myself.