My Addiction

How many times do you do this? Stand in front of the mirror and shame yourself. I can say I have done it every day of my life since I can remember. I am not exaggerating, I have memories of being 9 years old thinking I didn't look as pretty as the other girls. Even when I get compliments I can always manage to find something wrong with myself. I cant help it, I am literally addicted to my flaws.

Why is it so hard for us to love ourselves? Why are we never satisfied with our physical appearance? Is it because we are bombarded our whole lives with adds and products that make us think this way? Is it the unrealistic expectations set by models superstars? Or is it the underlying American need to be the best at everything all the time? I don't know, but all I do know is that this addiction is as strong as a drug. It's the monkey on my back that just doesn't quit.

I know that accepting myself is a big step in the healing of my auto-immunity, but who would have thought that learning to love myself is harder than giving up gluten and dairy ever was? I mean I have had the will power to not eat Italian cookies at Christmas, I don't even look at the bread basket at a restaurant, but uttering the words "you are beautiful" to myself is a struggle daily. How is this possible and why do I let my physical appearance dominate my self worth?

I wish I could see myself the way others see me. It sounds like I'm a really beautiful person, but the wall of self hate I have built is so big. Every day I try and take down a brick, and I see a little more of the light as it shines through. It may take a lifetime, but I will get there.

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