The hardest thing to admit...and the root of my autoimmunity

When I was 15 I started an abusive relationship that would last for the next 5 years of my life.

For anyone who has never had to say a statement like that, its the hardest thing a person has to do, admit it. I wasn't beat, I didn't hide bruises with cover-up or blame swollen joints on my high school sports. It was an emotional abuse, but it was just as harmful to young girl. It made me unsure of myself, angry that I couldn't be the person he wanted me to be. When all along I didn't realize I could never be that person, because no amount of change would make him love me. It was him, he didn't love himself enough to love anyone else.

Even after this relationship ended I carried it around with me. Most of the time without even acknowledging it. I thought I was okay, and never sought out any emotional support, I would say to myself "I'm fine, others have dealt with worse and survived". Little did I know that by not dealing with my emotions I was letting them fester into demons that would wreak havoc on me. If I wouldn't deal with them emotionally, they made damn sure I would acknowledge them physically.

At 22 after battling chronic hives and facial and joint swelling for about 6 months I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, an autoimmune thyroid disorder. From then on I focused on the nutritional and physical components of my disease. But even with my impeccable diet and full understanding anatomically what was happening, I was still on this autoimmunity rollercoaster of flare ups.

It wasn't until I realized what autoimmunity really was that I began to make any real progress. Autoimmunity is literally the body attacking itself. Its saying "I don't like you, I am not accepting you". Which is exactly what I was saying to myself everyday. I wasn't accepting my emotions, I wasn't loving myself because I was ashamed of me for my past. Why would the physical part of me love me, of the spiritual part couldn't?

I am still just learning live with this idea and every day is a challenge. But I can tell you just the realization has opened up doors for me that I never thought existed. I am starting to be a better person and I can not wait to see who I become as I continue this journey of self acceptance.